The Big Elder Divide

"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." Lewis Carroll. Alice in Wonderland

I love this quote. It reminds me again and again that today is new because I haven't lived it yet. It's also about turning 70 and not being my 69 year-old self anymore. I thought I'd be depressed and out-of-sorts on the day but I wasn't. Not the slightest bit! It felt like I'd made it somehow and surrounded by my adult children, my husband and many friends who offered their good wishes, my heart swelled.

No-one is free from getting old, but we can be free from old thinking and old ideas that plague the big elder divide. We hear slices and dices from elder people such as “aging is not for wimps”, or “we get so soon old, and so late smart”, or “time speeds up the older one gets”. My favourite are those who are much older than my measly 70 years who say, "you're just a baby". They also say that to the 80 year old's, too. Yup, I'm a baby elder! It seems to me that aging is the consensus of people’s experiences and from what I hear, most of them don't like doing 'old'.

So, let's put on our purple glasses and question the big elder divide. Sixty-five, the age of retirement, the age we're suddenly not useful in our jobs or careers? I also question how we plan for this stage in life because sometimes things happen. I know people who never thought they'd live to age 50 so didn't plan at all for the elder stage. The planners have it all figured out but illness or a major crisis occurs and they have to revise not only their plans but sometimes all the dreams they had for freedom 55 or 65.

That may be something worth looking at. While we all accomplished something in our youth we're proud of, what if aging meant accomplishing something we're proud of in our old age that's more than just making it to old age. Instead of productive life being over, maybe it's running a marathon in our 70's or 80's, or writing a book, or doing something we've never done before. Maybe it's staying in a job we're really, really good at into our 90's. I know I'm thrilled I can write every day free from the restrictions of work and the schedules it used to dictate. How can we not be thrilled to dive into philosophy, photography, philately or anything we feel passionate about. It could be stepping out to see the sunset and talking with neighbours despite pain and infirmity. Remember 100 year-old Captain Tom?

What exactly makes us feel old? Pain does, for sure. Those things you did before that now come back to remind you with haunting memories or physical injuries that turn into more pain over time. We feel old when our memories fade or when we're physically slower than we were. Our minds instantly, and without thinking, compare the youthful us in our 'glory' days when we felt sharp and invincible to our present elder, forgetful and tired selves.

It's human nature to compare ourselves with others, but do we need to do the same by thinking we're 'less than' useful just because we're old. "It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."

I'm reminded of my flight home from Europe in my mid-twenties. I sat beside a woman who I thought looked like the kind of person I'd love to be at her age. Beautiful and graceful, she seemed fully at ease with her life. She was slim, well-dressed with beautiful grey hair done up in a tasteful bun at the nape of her neck. She spoke intelligently and with a certain air of wisdom that did not sound like she was giving me any advice. I was so taken by the beauty and wisdom she exuded and thought, at once, I wanted to age like that. Who am I kidding, with my purple glasses and all! I find myself not even close to the image I have of her in my head. Maybe when I'm 80!

This aging path is one that needs some fine tuning, I think. Even the word 'old' sounds negative in the sense that we get old and then we die. I don't believe dying is negative at all so it must be the time between not feeling old and feeling old that's not so great. There are very few things in life that are equalizers--birth, death and pain. Humans will experience all three in their lives regardless of age, location, identity or circumstance.

What if aging was graceful? What might that look like? We'd probably have a discussion on living arrangements for seniors. There are horror stories about senior living centres that would startle even the most callous. Others are barely living, stuck in their own homes with no family or friends to check on them. All it takes is one nasty fall. I don't have the answers but I do believe we'd do a better job together perhaps in smaller groups, a co-op, a multi-generational home where there would be people to have a coffee with, or a visit and places to be alone. These are our grandparents, parents, our friends, our neighbours who deserve good living situations and better care! I have some ideas of what my partner and my future will hold going into our older, elder ages but those might not be certainties by the time we get there.

Other nationalities live their lives honoring their elders and living with them. While we encourage our youth to spread their wings and get out of the house, maybe it's time to welcome them back in while they save for their future. Unless the family is independently wealthy, most of our children need help to accomplish what they want to do and we, the elderly parents, need them to help care for us if we become unable to do so ourselves. I'm also presuming the parents and children are capable of treating each other with dignity, respect and care. Many families love each other but would not choose to live with each other, no matter what the circumstances were. If there are no children, there are friends and chosen families who could live together in a supportive manner. The future I see is one of strong, multi-generational relationships caring for each other as we age.

I believe our white North American lifestyle has eroded the respect elders deserve and perhaps the reverse is true, too. Maybe, because our elders are not generally respected, we don't think they deserve any, but dignity is different than respect. At least the respect that an elder human deserves is for their experience and memories of history that have great wisdom to share with us. Their wise contributions help shape innovation and future progress if we listen.

As one now firmly in the elder stage, not knowing how the end of my life here on earth will turn out, I choose to do my best to keep in good mind/body health and, hopefully, offer something of value to those on the other side of the the big elder divide. I'll carry on the work that inspired me to write my book and share what has been a most remarkable adventure so far and there's another book brewing!

"It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." Lewis Carroll. Alice in Wonderland