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BLOG NOTES: ‘The Pause’ is a practice I was developing before I wrote my first book. The Pause of Kindness title was inspired by Suzanne Venuta, Writer and Mental Health worker. I highly recommend watching her TEDx Talk. Link is at the end of this post.
I was walking my favorite ocean-side path thinking, of all things, about doing a reel on social media. I have to put something about a ‘pause’ in that, I thought, but how could I make a reel short, dynamic and, well, real? I wanted to express the experience of pausing visually.
I believe we all pause at times during the day, but we don’t always get the full benefit of it because we may not be aware of how powerful these pauses can be. We also don’t pause long enough before our minds take over again. Here are some examples of pauses you may be doing already:
Getting up in the morning there’s a pause between rising after sleep and starting the day. It could be just sitting in PJ’s when all is quiet. You’re by yourself not thinking, not doing, just being. The pause stops the second your mind starts into work mode.
During the day, brewing a cup of tea or coffee seems to invite a pause. There’s just something about holding a cup of hot deliciousness that helps one pause.
In the evening, maybe you do a brain dump so you can completely relax into sleep. You write down everything you need to remember or do for the next day. After that, there’s a kind of pause as you sit with the day.
I also use pauses, when I think about it, before scheduled meetings with people to prepare myself energetically, but what if I meet someone casually in the grocery store. I want to be open, centered and in the present moment, then, too. Adding a couple of elements to a pause does that. CENTERING & CONNECTING take pauses a step further into a meditative state for a short time. By the way, I like the word ’pause’ because my busy mind isn’t instantly put on alert like it is when I try to quiet it. Go ahead, try telling your mind to stop its thoughts, then try reassuring your mind that it’s just pausing for a little while.
Centering is easier to do with breathwork. Unless you play the flute, like me, you may not have heard about the importance of engaging the diaphragm. This is the “lung muscle” that helps the lungs expand and contract. It resembles an inner tube, visually, a circle around your body just below your rib cage. The tube expands when you breathe in and relaxes when you exhale. Try it right now for a moment. Start in a sitting position because you may experience some dizziness. Be aware of air filling this inner tube only, not your mid or upper lungs and definitely don’t close your throat or raise your shoulders.
For this exercise, exhale completely through your mouth, then, at a comfortable rate through your nose, inflate the tube, mid then upper lungs and feel your breath travel through your throat. Once the breath gets to your mouth, open it and exhale slowly and comfortably. Then follow the next in-breath with your mind as it travels from your diaphragm, up your ribcage, your open throat and out your mouth in one fluid breath. If you happen to get dizzy at all doing this breath, you’re trying too hard or not getting enough oxygen. If you do get dizzy, stop the exercise and try again at a later time.
Once you’re comfortable with breathing this way, add centering. First take 3-7 diaphragm breaths (as above) then breathe normally. Visualize a line from the center of the earth running up through your legs, tailbone, the center of your body along your spine, top of your head, then out through your crown to the ID point or individuation point about 3.5 feet (1 meter) above your head. This is called the “hara” line. You might experience tingling in your body. That’s energy. Once you’ve done that, bring your attention to your heart and place both palms on it. Feel the connection there, breathing easily and slowly. Pause for a minute or two without engaging your mind. If a thought interrupts, let it go and watch it float by. Reassure your mind that you’ll get back to it shortly. Once you’re used to doing all the above you can center, connect and pause all at once. As this practice becomes a habit, you’ll be able to engage it quickly and speak mindfully with others, even in a casual setting.
It would certainly be useful when a random person says or does something that triggers an old wound or pattern. Here’s an example that illustrates my point. I was in the line at Tim Horton’s and a man chose to cut into the line right behind me. I thought I was being helpful at the time by pointing to the opposite door with its lineup of half a dozen people letting him know the lineup was over there. He ignored me. Incensed and feeling it wasn’t right for him to cut into the line-up, I turned and told him how rude he was. Then because I was fuming, I completely ignored him.
Obviously, this is an example of how not to engage with someone! My old “that’s not fair” pattern had reared its ugly head once again because an injustice had occurred against “queue” etiquette and it was up to me to put it right. No-one else even looked bothered by it. I had judged him, resented him and felt a lot of frustration even hours after the incident on behalf of the people legitimately lining up even though they didn’t react at all. It’s hard to save a situation when nothing needs saving. The only reaction was in me, and the emotions I felt were way out of line compared to what actually happened. I learned that self-assessment led to awareness.
What if I had been able to pause, center and connect when I felt indignation rising in me? Here’s a second example which took place at the very end of the pandemic. Feelings were polarized and tensions still high about wearing masks. My husband and I were in a store with our face masks on when a young man said to me, “I’m so happy I’m not wearing a mask”. His tone of voice wasn’t rude but it seemed to invite a rebuttal which would lead, no doubt, to an argument/situation about “freedom”. I answered quickly without thinking and in a way that expressed what I was truly feeling at the time, “I’m so happy I can feel any way I want with my mask on or off.” The young man was visibly taken aback and responded genuinely with complete surprise, “That is such a great attitude.” The relief was palpable to the others standing in line and we all enjoyed friendly banter after that. I loved that young man’s response. He connected with me and I was able to connect with him on a human level. I learned awareness and practicing the pause of kindness led to a connection that was uplifting to all who were there.
On the giving end, choosing this practice helps us be present so we can pause and respond with care and kindness as we:
Access our soul which leads to mindful self-assessment and awareness.
Become aware and practice breathing, centering and connecting to help us connect with ourselves.
Create connection opportunities of kindness with others.
Now to the subject of Suzanne Venuta’s TEDX Talk. She explains that you probably will never know the outcome of a moment of caring and kindness, but that’s not the reason for caring. The secret, as Suzanne says, is to CARE.
On the receiving end, our wounds begin to heal because:
"The legacy of a caring connection stays with you and it can grow because connection creates hope, hope creates possibilities and possibilities create dreams.” (5:30 - 5:46)
“These moments of kindness allow us to see the other, and with it, our mutual humanity. That is the golden nugget.” (7:27 - 9:34)
Suzanne is living proof of the power and legacy of receiving golden nuggets.
“All these caring connections have helped me get to where I am today, like seriously, and these caring connections allow me to move forward leaving golden nuggets of caring connection in all the work I do. That is my legacy. The caring connection can happen anywhere, anytime, and become anyone's legacy. And that anyone is you.” (10:41 - 11:31)
All quotes from How Caring Connections can be Your Legacy | Suzanne Venuta | TEDxSurrey YouTube·TEDx Talks·Apr 20, 2022
Well said, Suzanne!
Thank you for your legacy.
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